So I just have to get this off my chest. Although I appreciate the fact that I'm sure people are complimenting me, I'm really sick of hearing the "I hate you because you're so skinny" and "Shut up, I hate you" when I talk about my weight. I don't mean any offense to this, but to be honest with you, it makes it even HARDER to deal with.

Almost all day long, I hear the girls at work talking about how they're not happy with their weight, and that they hate trying to find clothes that fit, and that they need to be on this diet, and that diet, and yadda yadda yadda. Now, the polite thing to say that our parents always taught us is that "Don't be silly, you don't need a diet, you look great!" And you know what, when I say that, I mean it! I don't think anyone at work is overweight enough to be considered "fat". That's another word that gets thrown around too much. When you are FAT, you don't fit in a movie theater seat, or your car sags, favoring the side you sit on....otherwise, you're actually NORMAL! And EVERYONE has something they'd like to lose some weight off of...their arms, their thighs, their tummy, their ass...but, that doesn't make you fat. It doesn't hinder your way of life!

But I'm getting off task here. That's a whole other discussion! My whole point is that I'm supportive of my friends, saying that they look great, they don't need to be eating a cracker for lunch and a salad for dinner every day, etc. However, when I complain about my troubles finding clothing that fits me, whether it be a shirt, a dress, a bra, pants, or bathing suits, I get right away (interrupted mind you) "Oh whatever" "I hate you" "You shouldn't be complaining" "I wish I had that problem".  I don't think anyone understands that there are some people out there that are not happy being as skinny as they are, just like some people are not happy being as "overweight" as they are! Don't get me wrong, the girls at work call me Bonesy, and you know what, I love that nickname! And it's true! I'm very very skinny! But do you know what it's like to walk around looking like you're visiting from Ethiopia, looking sickly? Or when you lay on your back you actually have 3 sets of boobs: your actual boobs that pretty much flatten to nothing, the bottom of your ribcage, and your hip bones. Not really all that attractive. Or the fact that your ankles are so skinny that when you wear shorts with sneakers, they make your feet look like clown feet. Or how about when although you're skinny, you still have an ass, so therefore the "stylish" jeans that are out there (lowrise/stretch) don't fit you because your waist and your ass aren't in proportion, so you get a nice 1inch gap at the back of your jeans. Or how about when you eat a pretty decent sized meal, and it literally makes you look like you're a couple months pregnant. Or the fact that you're cold all the time. Or that you can see your collar bone and shoulder bones, so you look horrible in a tube top or tiny tank top. Or how about when your face/neck is so skinny and you have really thick hair, so it looks like your hair is eating your head.

It also sucks when you complain that no matter how hard you try to gain weight, it doesn't work. I tried that one year...it all went to my thighs, tummy, and ass, only making me look more ill proportioned. I just don't understand why someone can sit around saying they "hate" me because I'm so skinny. It's not fun people! The very first sizes to go are XS and S, because no one in today's society IS that size! And I'm also in size limbo at the moment. Today at Target, I try on a medium bottom from the Junior's department. No go. So I try a size 1 from the Women's department...literally falling off of me. I'm at Old Navy...only one department...Female haha. When I try on a size 2, it just barely gets over my ass, put on a size 4, way too big. Kinda fits my ass, huge around my waist, and my crotch looks like I'm from the hood. I also tried on a small dress, one of those casual ones, tank top style at the top. With my boney shoulders and arms and small boobs...it just hung on me. Looked horrible.

I always leave shopping depressed because I can't find any clothes that look good on me. And no one understands that. All they say is that they 'hate' me for thinking this way. That they don't get it. I don't get it either. I would give anything to be a solid size 7. Or size 6 or 8 (whatever that equivalent is). I'd like to have some meat on my bones! I'd like to look like everyone else.

I guess my point is that no matter what your friend looks like, they're not going to like something about the way they look. What you need to be is supportive of them. Listen to what they have to say, sometimes all they need is an ear. There is not one woman on this earth that loves every aspect of their body, and wouldn't mind changing something. And there probably isn't one woman on this earth that doesn't wish they looked more like one of their friends. It's human nature. So let's all try to be a little more sensitive to other people's feelings, because we all have them. And sometimes, even the littlest thing can hurt your feelings.

  So I can only imagine the comments that I'm going to get with this post, but I just need to get it all out. I'm sitting here crying, and I just can't help it. I know now that I'm just not happy.

So I think most people know that I'm as addicted to bikini's as I am to flip flops, and that every year, I have to get a new one. This year is no different, especially since I'll be going on the cruise in October. Gotta have a nice new bathing suit for a nice new cruise, right? Well, with the new style being the mono-kini's this year, and with the girls from Sex and the City looking very classy in their one pieces....I thought I'd try something a little different this year. I ended up getting these two suits from Target.com:

The black one just intrigued me, and the purple one just looked really pretty, but still different than a normal one piece. I just got them in the mail today, tried the black one on first, and I had absolutely no boobs. I tried pulling and pushing and rutching, and to no evail, I was completely flat. So as interesting as it was, I didn't like it. So I tried on the purple one next. Exact same thing. But because there was fabric over my stomach, you could really see my stomach better, and it honestly stuck out almost as far as my boobs. Do you know how sad that is considering the fact I'm a pretty skinny person?? Again, I pulled and pushed and rutched, still flat as a pancake. So I decided to try one a triangle top bikini, and that wasn't much better. Granted you could actually see that I HAD boobs (yes everyone, they really are there), but you could also see that my one boob is quite noticabely larger than the other. Now, I've always known that one was bigger, but I never really noticed it as easily as I did today. Am I just that uspet about my boobs? Or have they grown differently. I will admit to you that in the past, I thought I looked pretty cute in a bikini. Although I have small boobs, they at least were kind of round and perky, and looked pretty good in a triangle bikini top. This was the first time that I couldn't stand looking at myself. I started to cry, and got all depressed about it. I even washed the dishes I was that depressed. I was talking to my friend/other mom on Facebook tonight, and she suggested one of the pushup bikini's from Victoria's Secret. So I perused the website, found one that I guess was cute...but not one I was in love with. Then the more I thought about it, I wasn't sure if I wanted one that had so much padding in it that when I got out of the pool, it would look like my boobs were peeing....you know what I'm talking about.....just think about it! So I'm not sure what I want to do. I really have until October to think about it, as I don't think Colin and I are going to be able to afford to go to Myrtle Beach this year with the fam.....so that give me 3.5 months to figure it out. I know that it doesn't matter what you look like, but I really just can't take it anymore. It's something that I've been struggling with for about 9 years now. Do you know what it's like to have boobs so small in highschool that people call you washboard? Or after you come back your sophmore year of COLLEGE and everyone thinks that you had a boob job because you finally hit puberty?? So now you can really imagine how small my boobs were before that since they thought I had a boob job....noticabley bigger! I don't wish I had HUGE boobs. I don't want the backache, and the crazy bouncing when I walk or run...I would just really like to be able to fill a B cup so that I can normally shop for a bra, and look good in tank tops, dresses, and binkinis. I'm just done with it.

So I never thought I'd say it, but I think that FaceBook is a fabulous invention. Granted, I was on the bandwagon when it was just a way to get to know your college mates, when you had to have a college email in order to even sign up, and I was a little disappointed when I saw it taking the MySpace route and letting anybody and their brother join....but my thoughts have changed over the past couple months.

FaceBook has helped me realize who my true friends are. Everyone tries their hardest to try to get as many friends as they can on their friend list, even if they're 'friends' with them or not. It actually kind of makes me laugh a bit. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't have people that you keep in touch with, but I have a couple people request to be my friends that I just ignore....you were never my friend in highschool, why would I want to be your 'friend' now? I sometimes even feel a bit unsure of making some people my friends that were my friends years ago, but either they changed, I changed, or we just simply lost touch. But you know what...I'm glad that I did with a couple!

Over the past 2 months, I had a lot of crap happen to me, and 2 of my friends on FaceBook were there for me every step of the way. One was someone who I see quite often, she's friends with the family, and I enjoy talking wtih her, but I never realized how much she cared about me, and vise versa. Not that I'm saying I wouldn't have found that out without FaceBook, but who knows how long it might have taken. I just hope that she knows how much I appreciate her (and even her husband sometimes) and that she has a beautiful family, and a beautiful soul, and she holds a special place in my heart!! The other is a friend that I had in college, and we were pretty close! Classes changed, people changed, I left....and we drifted, occasionally talking on AIM, but never stopping liking each other. Because of FaceBook, I found her again!! Which is fabulous, because even though she lived far away before, she's now moved even further. Without her, I don't think I would have survived through anything that happened to me. And say that honestly, truthfully, and straight from my heart. It's amazing to me how much two people can care about each other after being away from each other for years!! Some things never change.

All this makes me wonder though, what is the definition of a friend? I think that society has changed that definition over the years. Back in the day, I would have done anything for the people I called my friends. Can you honestly tell me that every single person on your 'friends list' is someone you would bend over backwards for? I doubt it. Not that I'm saying that anyone is a horrible person, but there are just some people out there that it's not you're a cold person, but that you would rather not be involved with their problems or issues. AIM always had a 'contacts' list, or a 'buddy' list...emails have a 'contacts' section....but MySpace and FaceBook have a "FRIENDS" list....I just think we all need to take a second look around us, and realize who our real friends are....because I have, and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world!!! I'm looking forward to seeing who some of the other old friends I've hooked up with on FaceBook turn out to really be true friends!!